How not to give a paper at a conference

  1. Always arrive late to the session. 
  2. If you are using a computer to give the talk, make sure that you have to use yours.  And don’t boot it up until it is your turn to talk.
  3. Have more slides for the talk than the number of  minutes you have to give the talk:  If you have 20 minutes, make sure you have 30 slides.
  4. The smaller the font, the better.  And make sure how have lots of complicated equations and graphs with tiny legends.
  5. Make sure that you mention every result in your paper.  That way, the audience can choose the point of the paper themselves.
  6. Make sure that you go over your time, studiously avoiding the session chair trying to get you to stop.
  7. Make sure that the discussant does not get the latest version of the paper until late the night before the talk.
  8. Make sure you spend at least half your alloted time reviewing everyone else’s tangentially related work. 
  9. When you get a chance to respond to the discussant, make sure to make as many irrelevant debating points as possible.  For example, complain if the discussant forgets to mention one of your obscure papers in the discussion. 
  10. If the discussant finds some problems, blame your absent co-author.
  11. Never, ever thank the discussant for the comments.
  12. Always talk to your neighbors when the other people in the session are talking.  If you cannot do that, at least look bored.
  13. Be clear that you need to suck up to the bigshots in the audience.

Some of these may be discipline specific.

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